fairy tricks and treats
by morbidbookworm
Summary: Simon & co. stumble into the fairy realm and are warned that if they taste any food or drink they won't be allowed to leave. You can guess how well that goes.


**WHY are they in the fairy realm? HOW did they get there? WHERE is it exactly? WHO exactly is the fairy queen? WHAT am I doing writing this when fairies aren't supposed to have been seen for a hundred years? WHEN will I be checking into reality?**

 **All excellent questions. I'll leave you to ponder them.**

* * *

It was really too much to ask that Simon not eat anything.

"It was an accident!" he protested. "I just spilled a little on my finger-"

The Fairy Queen was a hairless statue of pale green jade, draped in purple flowers. Cold and remorseless. "You have partaken of our drink, and now you must remain in our domain. I warned you when you first came here under the flag of armistice that if you consumed the merest drop of any of our food you would be unable to leave. The magickal barriers protecting our realm will not let you pass. You have no choice but to stay."

Simon looked around at the crystal cavern they had stumbled into. Flowery vines crept across the sparkling gemstones set into the walls and the remnants of a feast were still strewn across the tables. He would have to stay here? With the scary Fairy Queen? Seriously?

"Only you, Snow," Baz muttered. Light reflected off the crystal wall and made the set of his mouth even harsher than usual. "Only you would let your gluttony overcome any common sense. Surely we aren't all going to be detained just because The Chosen One over here can't resist half a sandwich?"

"The rest of you may go," the Queen said with dignity.

Simon grabbed the back of Baz's jumper before he could leave. "Hold it right there, arsehole."

Baz turned with a sneer. "If you think I'm going to wait around here until you decide to try and trade my good looks for your sorry ass, you are sorely mistaken, Snow-"

"A trade!" Penny exclaimed, clapping her hands. "Would that work? Not Baz, something else. Well, maybe Baz. Could we give you something in exchange for letting Simon go?"

The Queen sat back in her throne and observed them all thoughtfully, her eyes lingering on the boys.

"A kiss," she said finally, her voice like honeyed silk. A cat-like smile was curling across her stony face.

Baz and Agatha wrinkled their noses.

"You want Simon to _kiss_ you?" Penny asked, a little grossed out herself.

"No! _No_." The Queen looked annoyed. "Someone has to kiss _him_."

Penny crossed her arms. "That's it? What's the catch?"

"The catch, little girl, is that it must be the kiss of the person he most desires." The Fairy Queen looked ridiculously pleased with herself.

Baz laughed meanly and leaned against the back cavern wall, crossing his arms tightly. "Oh, this'll be _fun_."

Penny was not amused. "True Love's Kiss? We have to **True Love's Kiss** him out of here?"

Simon looked a little pale. "I can't do that."

"And why not?"

"Because I like all my limbs attached to my body."

"Then you will stay."

"Oh, this is ridiculous." Agatha marched up to Simon and placed a chaste kiss on the corner of his mouth. Penny's mouth twisted sourly. Simon didn't even react; he was too busy looking at Baz unhappily. Baz was glaring at him with the same cruel smile on his lips.

"There, happy?"

The Queen looked positively gleeful. "Nope! It must be the _most_ _desired_ kiss." She paused thoughtfully. "And anyway, it has to be two sided. True love and all that."

Agatha looked confused, and a little hurt. She looked at Penny.

"It isn't me!" Penny said, throwing up her hands. "Right Simon?"

"No, it's not Penny . . ." Simon rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "I mean- It's- Baz, a little help?"

Baz ignored him.

"Baz."

". . ."

"Baaaaz."

". . ."

"Basil. Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch the third-"

Baz pretended to look up from inspecting his nails. "Sorry, did you say my name?"

" _Baz_. A little help, would you?"

Baz pointed to himself, feigning surprise. "Oh, me? You're asking for my help?"

"Yes. Help. Now," Simon ground out.

"What's the magic word, Snow?"

Simon took a deep breath. "Baz. I am asking you, to please _please_ **_please_** help me out here."

Baz seemed to consider it. "Hm. Hmmm. _No_. Nope, don't fancy it."

"Baaaaaaaaaz!"

Penelope and Agatha watched them go back and forth like tennis match with increasing bewilderment.

"You just want to make this as difficult as possible for me, don't you?" Simon groaned. "I'm being punished?"

"I can't imagine _what_ you're talking about-"

"Oh, get over here," Simon growled. He grabbed the front of Baz's shirt and pulled him forward, smashing their lips together.

Penelope and Agatha gaped as Baz's hand came up to cup Simon's jaw and tug on his collar to bring him closer. The boys seemed to melt and mold together, nudging, nipping and tugging at each other's mouth in a series of searing kisses that all flowed into each other without them ever having to separate their lips.

Finally they paused, pulling back a little so they were nose to nose and eye to eye, still standing quite close together with their hands twisted in each other's shirts.

"There. Is that what you wanted?" Simon asked, finally tearing his gaze away from Baz, who looked extremely pleased with himself.

The Fairy Queen's pale green cheeks looked almost as flushed as Agatha's.

"Uh, yes!" she squeaked. "You may go."

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 **Please review.**


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